Are you starting your first relationship after a divorce? Perhaps you’re falling in love with someone who just ended his marriage?Whatever the case, inquiring about first relationship after divorce success rate is perfectly understandable.
There is a widespread idea that the first relationship after divorce is always a rebound, but is this really the case?
IS THE FIRST RELATIONSHIP AFTER DIVORCE ALWAYS A REBOUND?
“NEVER be the first person a divorced guy dates after his divorce. They are so messed up that you shouldn’t touch them with a 10 foot pole. Walk away, honey,” the forum user lovesMountains warned a woman who posted a question about dating a recently divorced man.
Sohappy-together.com examined 301 testimonies about dating after divorce available on the internet and found that 7 percent of respondents found happiness with the first person they started dating after ending their marriage.
While the first relationship after divorce success rate is not high, it is clear that not all these relationships are doomed to fail.
What the accounts we analyzed revealed is that the first relationship after a divorce is more likely to succeed if the recently divorced partner is the woman.
Even though there were exceptions, most of the recently divorced men belonged to two groups: 1) those who initially wanted to date casually and 2) those who thought they wanted a long term relationship but after starting their first post-divorce romance quickly realized that they were not ready for a new commitment.
FIRST RELATIONSHIP AFTER DIVORCE SUCCESS STORIES
A recent divorce usually means that we have gone through a long period of negativity and finally meeting someone new who brings positive feelings to our life can be incredibly refreshing. That’s why many people think that these relationships are more of an illusion and just a short-lived part of the healing process. But that’s not always the case. Sometimes they turn out to be the real thing.
Laura, a teacher from Italy, explains: “After my divorce was finalized, I was determined not to date for at least a year.” She got married for the first first time in her mid-20s, which meant that she hadn’t dated in almost 20 years. “I was so emotionally drained by the last few years of life with my ex that I was sure it was impossible to connect with someone else anytime soon.”
But life seemed to have other plans for her. Three months after her divorce, she met Federico, a recently divorced lawyer at her friend’s birthday party. “You know that storyline when you don’t feel like going somewhere and end up meeting the man of your life there. It sounds cliché, I know, but that’s exactly what happened.”
“I noticed him as soon as I arrived. And he noticed me. I suddenly felt like I was 18 again.” They talked during the whole party and exchanged their numbers. A few days later, Federico gave her a call and they went out for dinner. “The first few weeks we were just friends. We had sons of the same age so we talked about them a lot. We both love art. We visited museums together. And little by little, we were a couple.”
Federico had dated a few women after his divorce, but for Laura it all felt so new. “I can’t say it was like falling in love for the first time, because the first time you’re more carefree. This time around I was afraid of getting too attached. I felt so vulnerable. The idea of being hurt again really scared me.”
Friends and family advised she should slow down. “Federico was smart, successful, much more handsome than my ex. I guess it all seemed just too good to be true.”
But it turned out it wasn’t. Two years later, Laura and Federico got married and they recently celebrated their third anniversary.
Reddit user Cyancynic believes that the first person he met after divorce is actually the one he should have married in the first place. “We have been together nearly 5 years now and still over the moon in love every single day. I should probably mention that we are in our mid-late 40’s though and I think at this point in our life we both had very realistic expectations of what we were looking for (I was her second after her divorce which happened about a year before mine) and what we know we don’t want in our lives,” he said.
“I married the first woman I dated after my divorce and never had any interest in anyone else for as long as she lived,” WyoNewk wrote in a forum post.
HOW LONG SHOULD YOU WAIT TO DATE AFTER DIVORCE?
Many relationship experts suggest you should wait at least a year before you start dating. However, the first relationship after divorce success rate does not depend so much on the amount of time that has passed since ending the marriage as on where the divorced person is in the healing process.
We can’t pretend that everybody’s in the same situation after a divorce. It all depends on many factors. Who initiated the divorce? Did you have a drama with your ex? How did you experience the last period of your marriage? Did you feel relieved or heartbroken when it ended?
But no matter how you got there, experts agree that in order to move through a divorce to a new healthy life you need to learn how to like yourself first.
Dr. Robert Albert, psychologist and co-author of the book Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends, says: “You might think that there must be something wrong with you if you couldn’t make this relationship work. You have to work on getting confidence and faith in yourself and ability to believe in your own worth.”
Picking someone out of desperation and starting a new relationship before taking care of yourself and healing eventually can make you feel even more lonely and vulnerable. Sooner or later you’ll probably end up realizing that you have a lot of emotional baggage that you kept putting off and never really worked through.
“As I began my journey of self-love, I began to realize that I was completely capable of providing for myself and that I was the source of the security that I looked for others to provide. As I began to know and open into my own worth, I realized that my strength and power was within me,” says Linda Aspen-Baxter.
Lisa Concepcion, dating coach, believes that you should wait a full year before starting to date but that you shouldn’t expect too much from your first relationship after a divorce. “What I find a lot of people do is that they go from divorce to wanting that new true love. They go from being in a divorce situation to now asking the Universe: ‘Please, bring me somebody amazing, please, bring me my forever person.’ You’re gonna need to go through at least two relationships and two months of dating just to figure out who you are and what you want before you can go and get serious about your next relationship.”
Why does Ms. Concepcion think this is so important? She explains that “a lot of times people go out there and they date too soon after getting divorced. They end up being vulnerable and they are a total match for narcissists, people who are predatory, people who are looking for people who are hurting, so they can hurt them even more.”
SHOULD YOU DATE A RECENTLY DIVORCED GUY?
Women usually take more time to heal while men are more likely to rush into a new relationship. Women often have a more open communication with their friends and family and receive more support than men. At the same time, men might seek comfort in dating.
They may look self-confident and determined to make a fresh start, but beware that their initial enthusiasm about their first post-divorce romance often fades away rather quickly.
Check out this video for an honest testimony from a guy who desperately wanted to get married again and recover his life as soon as possible but ended up breaking someone else’s heart.
The man you’re interested in may realize that you’re amazing but if he’s not ready for a serious commitment, he will not open up in the way you deserve.
After his first post-divorce relationship, the user Some-guy concluded in a forum post: “I wanted to be loved, and when I found that, I could not fully embrace it.”
The first relationship after divorce success rate, negative testimonies and advice from experts do not suggest that you should give up on a romance with a recently divorced man. But don’t forget to pay attention to the red flags and be honest with yourself!
However, if you’re still thinking about your ex, you may be surprised to discover that many divorced couples eventually get back together. You can read all about it here.